Solitude

“Women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.”
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I've had the intention of writing this post for some time now, but with humanity little by little stepping into isolation in a way reminiscent of a dystopian movie, this post is oddly on topic.

Perhaps it's isolation that gave me the time and mental space to sit down and write this. I'm on my third day of isolation, at a time when I want to be out enjoying spring and meeting friends and embracing life in a city where I haven't quite settled yet. But truthfully, I spent most of the winter in isolation.

Last September I reached a milestone, something which I always expected to happen earlier in life (at least before the age of 29), but life went down a different road. At an age when I expected to be married and a mother, instead my milestone was a rite of passage that I always longed to do before I had a family of my own: I moved into an apartment, by myself.

I hear some people don't like the idea of living alone, but for me it was always something I wanted to do, to spend a while living completely independently, with space to myself for reading and writing and creating, a space with my own mark on it. And while my mum asks every weekend if I'm going to go out and socialise, the truth is that after a busy week working with people it's nice to embrace the solitude, and I like to spend time in my home and enjoy my own company. It's a place where I can truly relax, take my time and recharge. If I want to eat dinner for breakfast and cake for dinner then I can. If I want to go out after work, nothing is stopping me. If I want to walk around wearing a ridiculous face mask, dance to cheese and sing terribly, there is no one to pass judgement. And if I want to write a blog post at one o'clock on a Tuesday morning, I can also do that.

Another thing people ask is “have you got a boyfriend yet?” But when I tell them that no, I don't want that right now, a lot of people look at me weird. I spent the larger part of a decade in and out of relationships, and while I am lucky to have shared some wonderful experiences with partners, right now I don't want to share my time or my space with another person. It's nice to just be me and do my own thing. Occasionally the thought of dating crosses my mind, and then when I think about how much time and effort I'd have to put in, I'm just not interested. Sure, relationships are nice, but I'm not ready for that again, not yet. And as someone who was always “in a relationship” or had just got out of a relationship, or was “with someone”, it's refreshing to have freedom to go where I want and do what I want, or just stay in.

When I look around my apartment, I see me. I see what I've worked for, what I've created. I see my tastes and the things I like. And I enjoy spending time here and getting to know myself. So while I'm on day 3 of isolation and a bit worried about being cut off from people for the next week, or maybe two, or three, I am also looking on the bright side. Being alone can be lonely, but it is also the perfect opportunity to connect with yourself, to know yourself and to do things that you can't do with another person present. And at the age of 29 I'm glad I'm finally able to do this thing for myself, before I no longer have the chance to do things for myself.

Stay safe and embrace the solitude, friends, because spending time with yourself can be the best way to get to know You.

Thanks for reading.

Berlin, Germany, March 2020

New Year's Resolution: Continue being AWESOME

This time last year, I was looking forward to what 2018 was going to bring. I had just gone through a big change in my life, I was suddenly on my own, and my future was entirely mine to do what I wanted with it. 2018 was going to be my year.

Fast-forward 12 months. In a physical sense I'm not quite in the place I wanted to be in. But that's okay. Just because I'm not where I hoped I would be, doesn't mean I haven't moved forward. I have grown in so many ways, and looking back at the list of resolutions I made when I was going through my healing, I know I fulfilled each and every one in more ways than I could have imagined. Here's a little re-cap of the promises I made to myself last year...

- Focus on self-love.

We all need to do this more. This year, I've put myself first. My confidence and self-esteem have grown so much, and now I have an abundance of both of these qualities that I've never had before.


- Bloom where you are planted.

I've made the best of the situation I am in. I don't like where I'm living, and I'm longing for the day when I can move elsewhere, but that doesn't mean that I've let that longing get the better of me. I am grateful for who I've become and what I've achieved while I've been rooted in one place, rather than being "stuck in a rut".


- Look nice and take selfies.

This seems like a silly one, and I know physical appearance isn't everything, but as someone who had low-self esteem (and I didn't realise how low it was at the time), I encouraged myself to make an effort with my appearance and take photos of myself whenever I felt like I looked nice. Dropping a dress size and fitting back into my old skinny jeans helped with the self-esteem boost as well!


- Get in touch with your wild woman.

Yep, I read Women Who Run With The Wolves a couple of years ago and it changed my way of thinking. A way of thinking that has helped me to stay strong, be fierce and build my confidence. I've blasted girl power tunes every morning and thanks to them I have fought to be the best in my job, kept myself walking the right path and beaten away the final dregs of old heartbreaks.


- Start afresh but remember how far you've come.

Treating the past 12-14 months like a rebirth has been the greatest way to turn my life around. I am doing the things I should have done ten years ago. But I'm not going to let myself regret the mistakes I made, because I wouldn't have learnt from them if I hadn't made them. I'm embracing the girls I used to be and examining my "flaws" to see how I can make the best of them now that I have new perspective. I am so full of positivity and hope for the future, I know it's going to be an incredible one.


My 2019 resolutions? Well, I did so well in 2018, I can only stay on the same track and continue being awesome.

I hope this new year is beautiful, inspiring and full of amazing experiences and achievements for everyone <3 Wirral, UK, January 2019

Morning Mantras

My last post was about healing and achievements and confidence, and I'm pleased to say that things have only gone uphill since then. The achievements I talked about in my last post were a huge turning point for me. I surprised myself at how well I was doing, and did things I never thought I could do, and these achievements have given me such a huge confidence boost that I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. But it's not all plain sailing. There are days when I don't want to get up early, don't want to go to work, don't feel like making an effort. I've got to be honest, I'm not a morning person and I spend most days wishing it were a Sunday where I can have a lie in and stay in with a cup of tea and a good book. But part of my confidence boost has involved a morning ritual where, by the time I arrive at work, I'm not only ready to face the day, but I'm determined to smash it. And since this has worked for me, I wanted to write this post in the hope that someone might take something away with them that would make their daily grind more positive and productive.

Most mornings I start my day by mentally swearing at my alarm clock. Some days I might even swear at it out loud. Admittedly, it's not the most graceful or positive way to start the day, and I would love to be one of those people who wakes up with a smile on their face or meditates or does yoga. I'm afraid I'm not that serene, but maybe I will be someday! I proceed to grumble through the next hour as I get ready, and grumble at the bus which never seems to arrive at a time that suits me. But once I'm on that bus, my positivity ritual begins. And this ritual is something so simple: music. I listen to whatever my mood fancies at first, and then once I get to my destination, I have to wait around for half an hour before I can go into work. So I walk, and on my walk, I play my positivity playlist. Some are "can do" songs. Others are simply upbeat tunes. My favourites are girl power anthems (feminist alert, we can do it, girls!). But one song has helped me most of all. It's an old song, one I never really identified with much in the past. You'll know it. It's Titanium by David Guetta, featuring Sia. I first started listening to this song on a day when I really wasn't feeling great. The previous day someone had really tried to put me down and make me feel small, and I was taking it to heart. But then that song came up randomly on shuffle and it was like I grew a second skin, or should we say armour? I reminded myself what I have achieved, what I can do, and I was determined that I was going to have a damn good day and I was going to continue to be awesome and continue to achieve great things.

Titanium is my morning mantra. I am titanium. I am, and I will keep telling myself that. Your song might be something else, or your mantra might not even be musical. It could be a quote, or a poem, or even just a word or a state of mind. It's hard to be good to ourselves and tell ourselves that we're great and strong and we can do incredible things. It's hard to love ourselves. But it's important that we do, because at the end of the day it's the voice in our mind that we listen to. Teach that voice to tell us positive things, and don't let outside influences affect your confidence and your abilities in a negative way.

Find your mantra. Find your morning ritual that is going to help you to be confident and do great things. You can do it, you've got this <3

Wirral, UK, July 2018

Healing

Dear little blog. It's been a while, hasn't it? My life has changed quite a bit since my last post. I won't go into the story, but what I can say is that I've healed from some very old wounds, and for the first time in a long time, I feel so, so happy. Life isn't exactly where I want it to be, but that's okay, because the most important thing is that I'm on the right path, and I'm feeling so much more content thanks to that fact.

Feeling healed is like coming up for air when you've stayed under water too long, or like stepping outside on a crisp, sunny morning when you've been shut up indoors for a long time. There are still days when those old wounds creep up and remind me that they're still there, giving me aches and pains. Guilt, regret, the occasional stab of bitterness... but they're old wounds, old scars that may or may not fade, and when I can focus so easily on the positives, those negative feelings are becoming easier and easier to ignore.

But there's a special reason I really wanted to write this post. I want to talk about achievements, and about surprising yourself when you discover that you have abilities and strength that you never knew you had. When you're hurting and unhappy for a long time, it's like you don't really know yourself. You forget who you are, forget your path, and forget the person you told yourself you would become when you were innocent and believed that your dreams would come true. Suddenly, when I finally came up for air and blinked the water from my eyes, I could see the woman I've become. I could see that I have passion, and drive, and that I'm braver than I realised. I can do things that as a school girl I always wished I could do, and believed I never could. I'm the person I wanted to be, and so much more. And while I'm not in the place that school girl me thought I would reach by my late twenties, I'm on my way there, and that's the most important thing.

These past months have been challenging but surprising, and this week especially I've achieved things that I never thought I could achieve, and this has caused me to reflect on how far I've come. I've blown my mind with the things I've done this week and these past months, and to some people those might not seem like big things, but to me they're huge leaps that I didn't realise I was brave enough to take. I've surprised myself so much with my abilities and achievements that I'm wondering who I am and how I've done it. But the truth is, while I've been hurting and healing, the woman I am now has always been somewhere deep inside me, working hard and absorbing knowledge and developing new ideas and abilities that are now stepping into the light.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that now. And if you are where I was, stay strong and believe in yourself. You will make it through and you will be surprised and overjoyed to meet the person you are going to become.

Sending love and healing vibes,
Naomi

Wirral, UK, April 2018

When the world gets too loud

When I'm in the middle of uni assignments and other pressing matters, I find myself turning off the WIFI on my phone more and more consistently. Otherwise, when a Facebook notification comes through while I'm trying to concentrate on an essay, I'm likely to let it distract me. But I'm starting to think that it's not only when I have an essay that I should be turning off the Internet. You see, my phone is almost constantly in my hand, and I switch from app to social media site to app, wasting time and brain space on things that don't really interest me.

Don't get me wrong, social media has its virtues. As someone who has travelled a lot and spent time studying abroad, Facebook keeps me in touch with people I can only see once in a blue moon, Twitter tends to be a place where I can keep up to date with more specific topics, while Instagram, Tumblr and the like serve to feed my creativity. But when these sites and apps are constantly clamouring to be heard, and habit leads me to give them my attention despite other more pressing needs and desires, it becomes a problem.

Our phones and technology are so insistent that we remain up to date and in the know that, without turning off our phones or spending time changing our settings, we can't escape notifications. I've wasted many an hour or two when a five minute social media check turned into a discussion or a conversation about something inane. When those discussions are more heated, I waste a lot of energy thinking about them even after I've left my phone alone. Yes, it's important to be up to date with the news and the goings on in the world around us and to take part in that, but it should be on our own terms and at times when we feel ready to listen. The likes of Facebook in particular are the biggest killers of my productivity, creativity, even my desire to relax or spend time with loved ones, and this has to change.

It's not just the fact that it's a distraction. I think these habits can also be partially to blame for many of the mental health issues that sneak up in us nowadays. The thing with the Internet, and with social media especially, is that we suddenly have all this information and all these connections at the tips of our fingers, and if you think about it, we are the first generation to have that. Because of this, there is a lot of noise entering our minds that humans never had to deal with in the past, and unless we refrain from using the Internet as often as we do, it's impossible to shut it out. To give an example, let's talk about news pieces like Brexit and the election of the latest US president (to avoid mentioning his name). During those times, I was almost constantly emotionally exhausted, stressed and bordering on depressed. Yes, I was unhappy about the news. But if something upsets us, normally we shut it out if we can, except that without isolating myself from all media and news outlets, I couldn't shut it out. Even when I tried, it would come up in conversation, and then I felt like I needed to get "up to date". Many, many times in the past year I have felt like becoming a hermit. Back in the day, it was easy to switch the TV channel or close the newspaper. But now, when our lives are so intricately intertwined with the Internet and, by extension, the world around us, it's difficult to close ourselves off. Even while watching a TV programme, the channel encourages us to engage in social media while we watch, urging us to use and search for certain hashtags.

So if you feel like social media is taking over your life, don't be afraid to withdraw. At first I feel isolated, or anxious that I might have missed something important. But eventually I realise that I appreciate the quiet time, with my own mind and my tangible life.

Hampshire, UK, April 2017

Summer isn't over, yet.

Cue rant.

This year, I've been working in a school. In the UK, the school holidays don't begin until the last week of July (which is ridiculous, but that's another rant for another day). So, while I managed to enjoy a spot of good weather when the sun deigned to shine on days I wasn't working, my summer didn't officially start until it was almost August. Which would be all fine and dandy, if I could actually enjoy it in peace instead of being constantly told that summer is practically over.

Case number one:
When I went shopping for swimwear for my long awaited trip to Spain in MID-JULY, only one high street shop still had a decent stock of bikinis. The rest of the shops I visited had racks of odd tops and bottoms, mostly in sizes that would barely cover a twelve year old's breasts, never mind mine.

Case number two:
Those same shops already had their "Autumn Collection" in. I repeat, it was JULY. And I'm pretty sure stationery shops and the likes of George at Asda crack out the "Back To School" rubbish before the kids have even finished school nowadays.

Case number three:
Not just the shops, but the media are telling me that summer is over, and people I follow on Instagram can't wait for Autumn (which is fine, but could you, you know, not remind me so often that after summer comes gloomy days and colder, wetter weather?) Well let me tell you, media, summer is not over. Where I used to live (Spain) August happens to be the hottest month of the year. And that's when everyone goes on their SUMMER holiday.

Last year, I wrote a blog post about how I found it hard to accept Autumn's arrival (even though I love all the colours, fashion and tasty things it brings once I finally embrace it). In the post, I explained how I'm a spring-summer kid, and I love it when the sunshine arrives with its warmer weather. So when I have the message being thrown at me from all sides that summer is over before it's begun, it doesn't make for a very happy me.

Some time ago, I read an article about how the media and the shopping industry  basically wish our life away, to the point where we're living in a constant panic to get things done. I'm already seing restaurants urging me to make reservations for Christmas, and the Christmas shopping season will start pretty much as soon as September arrives (barely squeezing in Halloween). I, for one, constantly feel like I'm being left behind, and I remember last year being convinced for a moment I was still in September when it was, in fact, November.

Once upon a time I was sheltered from this sped up passage of time. Now, thanks to the internet and shopping, I can't hide from it. I want to live in the moment, in peace, without someone or something urging me to get on with the next big event of the year. I don't want to see hot cross buns and Easter Eggs in the shops on the 1st of January, when Easter isn't until March/April. I don't want to think about Valentine's Day until February. I don't want to buy my swimsuits in March and my winter coats in August. I would like to have the option of buying and eating pumpkins for the duration that they are in season, not just for Halloween, and I don't want to be urged to make Christmas plans in the summer.

So, shops, media, et al: summer is not over yet. Stop trying to convince me otherwise.

Hampshire, UK, August 2016

Simple Pleasures

Life lately has been a bit... meh. I don't like my job, I'm still having trouble finding friends in the place I moved to six months ago, and I'm constantly frustrated by tiredness and a lack of time to dedicate to things I especially enjoy (blogging among them!) But even though I'm constantly "living for the weekend" and counting down the days until the end of my job, I have to keep reminding myself to see the positives and grab the happy moments. So rather than having a rant, I thought it was time I made a list of all the little, beautiful moments I come across each day.

Pockets of sunshine:
The weather has been up and down this summer, but when it's beautiful I'm sure you can all agree how depressing it is to be cooped up in a stuffy building for eight precious, sunny hours each day. But thankfully the days are also longer, so I grab that sunshine whenever I can. In the mornings on my way to work, on the way home, and either sitting on my balcony (this is a nice novelty indeed) or in the back bedroom which gets the evening sun. It's not much, but what little I get certainly puts me in a better mood :)

Natural beauty:
I know it sounds like a bit of a cliché, but when I spend all day in a gloomy work place the beauty I see on the way to and from work or through the windows really does cheer me up and gives me a little something to wonder at each day. What with the blossom turning into every shade of rich, full green, the appearance of flowers, the way the morning sky looks on a sunny day (or even a grey day), I have enough inspiration to paint several paintings if I had the time (and half the talent) to do so.

A big cup of tea:
My post-work ritual this year so far has been to make a nice strong tea in a good sized mug (I bought several of those large Cath Kidston mugs for this very reason) and to put my feet up for half an hour (or longer, if I have time) with a good book. My go-to tea for this purpose has been Hampshire Tea, which is a blend of Assam from All About Tea in Southsea (if you're a local tea lover and you don't know about this shop yet, you need to check it out). And, as mentioned earlier, if the sun's out this ritual is that much more blissful.

Books:
I mentioned in my last post that we've finally acquired a pair of bookcases, and I've got to be honest, few material objects make me happier. I know I'm a bibliophile when just the sight of all my books together on their shelves make me feel good, seeing all those adventures I've lived and all the new stories just waiting to be discovered. And book-buying has also become quite a regular thing, although that's not so great for my bank account :o

Spinnaker Tower:
For those of you who aren't familiar with Portsmouth, Spinnaker Tower is a tall, sail-inspired landmark that can be seen from quite a way away. To me, it's a symbol of a city I grew to love when I studied at Portsmouth University, and since we've moved back to the area, I was chuffed to find that we can see the Tower from the balcony of our new apartment. It's comforting to be able to see it every day, and I always feel a tinge of nostalgia and affection. I've done so much moving around throughout my life, but Portsmouth is still one of my (many) homes.

Coffee dates:
I once said that no weekend is complete without a trip to a tea/coffee shop, and maybe a piece of cake. For some reason, my partner and I don't seem to do this as often as we used to, but it's still a pastime I love, and it's an extra special treat on the off-chance we get to do this on a week day after work. Combining tasty things, a nice atmosphere and good company is a great way to while away some minutes and have a good old catch up.

Home:
Six months after moving, I expected my home to be how I want it by now. But it turns out that "decorating" is taking longer than expected. We took on a furnished rental apartment, and while the furniture is nice, it's just not really me. Nevertheless, I've managed to combine the minimalistic vibe the furniture demands with hints of the brighter colours and art styles I enjoy. It's slowly coming together, and while I still have pictures to put up because I have yet to borrow/acquire a drill (so adult), it's finally starting to feel like my home (and when it's technically my first home, it means so much more). So it's those little objects and details that are "me" that make my home all the more lovely to spend time in, whether it's the pictures I collected over the years, little ornaments and stationery items, or the likes of bedding and cushions that are mine (I sound like a fussy old lady, hehe). As of a couple of weekends ago, I also now have my collection of crystals dotted about, and whether or not they do have special vibes or powers, the flat certainly feels more positive, and I finally feel like we've landed, like this is our home.

So if you're in a similar situation and you find yourself living for the weekend, just remind yourself of the little things :)

Hampshire, UK, June 2016